Depression is Bad. What else is new?

I am probably dreadfully boring on the subject of depression.  However, I am writing about it anyway because it is all around us.  Silence does not help.  I’m not sure that not-silence helps, either, but at least it could potentially raise consciousness.  (I am allowed to say “raise consciousness” because I am from Berkeley.)

Depression is not the same as being sad.  It is not something from which one can buck up.  In my experience, it is a persistent inner sense that I am worthless, useless, and stupid.  It tells me that everything wrong is my fault and that most problems would be solved if I simply did not exist to screw things up.

I do the things I am supposed to do to cope with my depression.  I take my medications.  I exercise.  I try not to hide in bed and avoid people.  I practice meditating.  I would like to say I actually meditate, but I’ll be needing those meditation training wheels for approximately forever.  I make dark jokes.  I count my blessings, although that sometimes backfires:  how the hell can I be depressed when I have so many blessings?  Something must be wrong with me!

This week has been a bad one for depression.  I am having trouble sleeping.  Then I have trouble getting out of bed after I sleep.  I have no energy.  My heart races and I panic a lot.  I am coping the best I can.

Yesterday, my new light thingie came.  There is a certain amount of research that suggests light therapy might help.  It can’t hurt, unless you look straight at the lamp, in which case it is pretty blinding.  I may be grasping at straws, but I really want it to work, or else some other miracle to occur that makes the depression monster go away.

Please think good thoughts for me.